so at 28 weeks, i started going to a maternal-pre natal medicine specialist because of campbells club feet. we had ultrasounds every visit (which ended up totaling about 14) to make sure that there were no other health problems that accompanied the clubfeet. I was too far along to have an amnio, and as far as the doctor could tell, she was healthy otherwise!
well, from 28 weeks to 32 weeks, she gained about 3 ounces. if you have ever had a child, the normal about of weight gain and growth in these weeks should be around 1 t 1 1/2 pounds. so of course the doctor had concerns when they realized that my placenta was also attached at the side, and immediately put small size and placental insertion together. this was about a week before thanksgiving. maybe more like 5 days.
so we went down to orlando, know that when we came back, we would get to meet our little girl. juuust a little sooner than initially anticipated. we started preparing ourselves for a month or so in the NICU, my mom threw me a baby shower and we really readied the house for our sweet girl.
on monday, november 30, i had my usual dr appt. the dr came in, did the ultrasound and told me that the wheelchair was on its way to take me over to l & d. that they needed to monitor campbell until she was ready, more like NEEDED to come out. they said this could be a week or so. my mom was summoned to take care of little bear, jeffrey left work and we checked in.
now, some of you may be asking if i was freaking out, or what was going on in my head. (orrr, you might not haha) but i felt okay. i had been praying for confidence and for the health of my baby and i knew that this special situation was not something i could change but what i could do, was take care of my sweet girl.
back to the story... my obgyn came in, checked on us, and said all was okay...then the night came. campbells heart rate "disappeared" 4 times, for over 4 minutes each, in a 20 minutes time span. this, is not good. then, she was doing great and staying solid but they booked the OR for 5:00 the evening of december 1. and she was born at 6:45 pm that night, weighing a hefty 2 lbs 9 oz.
c-sections alone are traumatic, so as i laid there, shaking uncontrollably, all i wanted was to see my little girl. the words you dont want to hear are " lets try to get a heart rate!" "lets see if we can pink her up!" or any kind of mumbling. so when i finally heard the tiniest cry i have ever heard i my life. my eyes filled with tears of joy. they rushed her to the NICU and said that jeffrey and i could go see her in an hour.
so, the next few days were okay. emotional, exhausting, scary, but we were doing it. campbell would go 3 steps forward and then two steps back. but we were counting every little good thing as a huge blessing. the neonatologist had told us he wanted to do some chromosome testing, just to be safe. he gave us no indication that he thought she might have any kind of fatal genetic disorder.
so, sunday night was our first night home. thankfully, we live about 4 minutes from the hospital, so i was doing okay. monday morning, my mom and i took little bear to the park, and then my mom dropped me off at the hospital. the nurse told me the doctor wanted to talk to us, so i called jeffrey.
campbell had been jaundicey all week but that morning, she suddenly looked much thinner, her skin was sallow and she didnt look like her little self. the dr and NP sat us down, they told us that campbell had trisomy 18, also called edward's syndrome. i couldnt breathe. i knew exactly what this was because i had stumbled across it when we found out she had clubfeet. (they often are associated)
the next 3 1/2 hours were spent holding our sweet girl, kissing her, and praying for her tiny body to feel no pain. i can say that monday, december 7th was, the worst day of my life. a hospital visit that was supposed to be my life for the next month or so, that had started out with her favorite book "princess and fairy", ended with ice packs and our little campbell joye leaving us and being welcome by her Heavenly Father.
the past three months have been ___. there is no word to describe them. there is no way to tell you about the hole that has been punched in my heart. or how i feel when i see families with a little boy and a baby girl. or when i cuddle with the blanket that she was wrapped in. but i know that my little baby is pain free, dancing and playing in heaven. and one day, we will see her again.
i also know that being a mom, may be one of the most painful things in the world. and im thankful for it. everyday.