lately ive been a lot of things. ive been a terrible blogger. almost as bad as the pen pal that i am. ive been tired. ive been hungry. ive been hot. ive been happy. ive been angry. ive been impatient. and ive been feeling lost.
im fairly certain that feeling lost is a lifetime struggle; whether it is finding yourself, your way or your way back, we are constantly searching for something. my thoughts regress a little to this time in my life (above). i had no idea who i was but i knew everything that i wanted. which, of course is nothing that i have. funny, isnt it?
i wanted to be a radical. i wanted to shake it up and go crazy but be known for being out there. my role models were all deceased authors or musicians who had offed themselves. so yeah, i was a little more lost then than i am now but still, i cant help but wonder who i am.
so, i listen to all my old music and think of all my old clothes and then i laugh. because who i was then is still who i am now i am merely trusting. i am trusting that God will provide for my wonderful family and for myself and since he knows me and created me, he will delight in me and who i am. which means, that no matter how much i think about it or try to revert back or change or sulk, im just right. so all i have to do is follow Him.
and since ive been a lot of things lately...
perhaps then, i should take a nap.
kathleen,
ReplyDeletei am a terrible blogger too. i lack motivation. there is a lot of truth in your post, and i don't mean just the part about being a crappy pp. i too have been thinking about how God's changed my desires so dramatically in the past few years. from being super career driven to giving up law school to one day raise a family. and it's true, God knows what's best for us, and we're most joyful when we rest in it. and perhaps then, i should return to blogging.