awake.

this is us, almost two months ago. all four of us, on that rainy morning.

this evening, and now, as it seems, this night

i have been sitting on the couch with my laptop.

and the internet has taken me everywhere. 

and as i have been sitting here, not doing the dishes

and not folding laundry

i (dammit) am learning something.

thats what everyone keeps asking me...

"have you learned anything yet?" or

"are you learning or growing in any way?"

and my answer to this has been,

"no....im not really looking to learn or grow" 

and then i really want to add an "F*%# off! You have no idea!"

but of course, i dont.

and tonight i think its coming.

a change.

another freaking change.

 

(fyi, a long post is a-comin)

jeffrey and i have been discussing life a lot lately.

he is almost done with school and has been actively looking for a job while i have actively been doing nothing. he is apprehensive and anxious and i am absent. this is not how a husband-wife should function. and i know ive been avoiding what it is that we are really talking about. 

we are about to leave our life. most likely, we will leave tallahassee. and we will leave our little girl. this, this kills me.

and what im seeing, and hearing and feeling is that yeah, these things are hard, but that God is calling me, and my family, to something more. there is SO much more out there. in this world. we all know this, but gosh, do we? 

tonight im beginning the process of going from absent to active. its gonna kill me, i know. but its what we have to do. the reason we are here is to serve Christ, through serving others. through love. and there are so many incredible people being active while i wallow. 

disclaimer: i KNOW im allowed to wallow. im just saying i cant go from being kathleen, to being only sad. that is not life. and i am painfully trying to return to living.

so, here we go. Lord, you know whats going on, so guide me, please.