ive decided to call it pixie dust.

the city of tallahassee has been coated in a delightfully yellow layer of pollen for going on two weeks now. the only thing is, it really isnt so delightful. but i have to remember what this pollen indicates; spring. spring is the season when things that were dead, are given new life, when neighbors come back outside to play and chat, when camping is perfect, when i can start to feel alive again. that last one gets me. 

today, its naptime, and im on the porch eating big sky bread granola ( sponsor me! send me free granola! ) and i feel okay. i feel like this new weather pattern, the flowers (its a love/hate with my sinuses) and the general joy that spring brings, is actually okay to enjoy.

im not sure if anyone who reads this has ever experienced the loss of a child- if you have, my heart is with you everyday- but what has come along side of the pain, the loss and the emptiness is a whole big bowl of undesired guilt. for the first few weeks, i felt guilty about everything. laughing at something funny, sleeping well (kinda), enjoying good food, anything really. and as these past 4 months have gone by, i have felt guilty about being okay. i dont cry myself to sleep EVERY night anymore (just 4 or 5), i feel pretty happy during the day, i cook again, i enjoy cleaning my house and i love spending my time with LB.

i think this guilt, i think it will eventually pass. all the other things, not so much. but im hoping the guilt, that it will. im preparing myself for a whole other level of pain for when we try to have another baby, but for now, i think its okay for me to be enjoying the life that i do have. and enjoying every pink sunset, sprinkled with pixie dust, that reminds me of my little girl.