ive decided to call it pixie dust.

the city of tallahassee has been coated in a delightfully yellow layer of pollen for going on two weeks now. the only thing is, it really isnt so delightful. but i have to remember what this pollen indicates; spring. spring is the season when things that were dead, are given new life, when neighbors come back outside to play and chat, when camping is perfect, when i can start to feel alive again. that last one gets me. 

today, its naptime, and im on the porch eating big sky bread granola ( sponsor me! send me free granola! ) and i feel okay. i feel like this new weather pattern, the flowers (its a love/hate with my sinuses) and the general joy that spring brings, is actually okay to enjoy.

im not sure if anyone who reads this has ever experienced the loss of a child- if you have, my heart is with you everyday- but what has come along side of the pain, the loss and the emptiness is a whole big bowl of undesired guilt. for the first few weeks, i felt guilty about everything. laughing at something funny, sleeping well (kinda), enjoying good food, anything really. and as these past 4 months have gone by, i have felt guilty about being okay. i dont cry myself to sleep EVERY night anymore (just 4 or 5), i feel pretty happy during the day, i cook again, i enjoy cleaning my house and i love spending my time with LB.

i think this guilt, i think it will eventually pass. all the other things, not so much. but im hoping the guilt, that it will. im preparing myself for a whole other level of pain for when we try to have another baby, but for now, i think its okay for me to be enjoying the life that i do have. and enjoying every pink sunset, sprinkled with pixie dust, that reminds me of my little girl.


  1. I know that guilty feeling you're feeling. Just know that Campbell wants her mommy to experience a tiny fraction of what she's experiencing in Heaven. She's so happy. Praying for God to lift this burden of guilt from you. Love you.

  2. bet there are the best fairy gardens in heaven !!!! Campbell is playing and laughing in the pixie dust with no allergies : ) miss her every day
    love and ache but am so grateful for her short, delightful life. She carried the weight of Glory with every ounce of her little frame. so glad God is keeping all our tears in a bottle :)