lets be honest, shall we?

today, the 11th of may, 2011, has been exactly a year and a half since we buried our sweet Campbell. this past week or so has been, to say the least, rough. added with my pregnancy hormones all over the place and the heat index close to flipping 98, i have a child who is less than obedient lately and i am feeling completely overwhelmed with the task of entertaining a 3 1/2 year old with few friends, a very pregnant mother, no tv (by choice and we like it) and no pool. im just a mess this week. and to think, last week i was feeling so great...

...last week i finally washed all of baby brothers clothes. thats a big deal. i dont think i washed one of Campbell's things. i changed the boppy cover from soft and pink, to soft and green. i put a little bit of the past away with that one. and i know, to someone who doesnt know, it seems so silly. but let me tell you, it wasnt. i was so proud of myself! i thought "okay, this baby is coming! he is coming home and he needs clothes! and diapers! (see above)" and i washed them. annnnd reorganized jbears closet/dresser to fit them. i was on a roll folks!

and then, im thinking it was mothers day that did me in. mothers day was exactly a week after Campbell would have been 18 months. dont you love 18 months? so cute, so babbly, so wobbly. my heart was aching to share my day with all my kiddos. and then i took stock of my life. im 23 (didnt you know?) and ive lived more life than i thought i would live by 43! i suddenly became overwhelmed...

is this what we thought life would look like?

is it ever? im guessing you just laughed out loud and said "no". right?! so why am i having such a hard time with this valley? i feel like it is never ending(it is, by the way) ! i am so so excited for this new baby. words cannot express the joy that comes over me when i think about meeting him for the first time but the ache, ohhh the ache. the aching for my sweet girl- to hold her and snuggle her, for real and honest friendships, for "the island in the west". it never leaves.

there isnt much of a finishing thought here. just me, sharing. a little all over the place but hopefully encouraging those who might also be having a hard time being a mom ( there are about a million different reasons why its hard) to share and that its okay! (it is, right?) haha.

1 comment:

  1. Nothing will EVER replace your love for Campbell, Kathleen. You are in uncharted territory obviously but with our Father, you will pass through. Focus on your new little one in your belly. Campbell is fine. Campbell is MORE than fine. Think of it the way my counselor said to me one day. "Clay(Campbell) is the lucky one. He (she) was able to bypass this temporary hell in which we live to go sit right at the hand of our Father. He (She) waits on your time to reunite but yet he (she) is perfectly happy exactly where he(she) is. He (she) is the lucky one not to have to go through this mess in which we live.