a really good faker.

this is my sweet girl her first day in the NICU.
 i was still drugged up so jeffrey took this picture so i could gage her size. 
she was the tiniest, most beautiful little girl i have ever seen.

today i went shopping with my mom and sister. shopping, jeffrey and i have learned takes your mind away, even if only for a moment. anyways, the past few days i have realized that normal life is now hard. its amazing to me how much we are creatures of habit and i find myself cracking (small) jokes and being the old me and the whole time i think "who am i? how can things ever be normal again?" i am becoming a really good faker. 

today is campbell's 4 week birthday. to me, 4 weeks is basically a month and if things were how they were supposed to be, she would be home with us. i miss her so badly it hurts, everyday.

today was hard and by the time we hit ikea and saw the precious little girls rooms, both my m0m and i almost lost it.

i dont have much else to say today. sometimes i just need to talk about her. but in a way i can see and writing with a pen and paper tends to get a little wet, so here it is.

dear campbell,
i miss you. i wish i could hold you. and snuggle with you. and that we could go to ikea together today like all the other moms with their babies. i love you.

love love love,


  1. kathleen, this is one of the most precious pictures i've seen. campbell is so tiny and beautiful. i am so looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. i love you :)

  2. hi there. you don't know me but i found your blog through rockstar diaries and your sad news hit me hard today. i sat at my sofa listening to the snow fall in edinburgh and sending you all the love i possibly could. i really hope the pain eases, in time.

    love, kerri xxxx

  3. There are lots of drops of tear here on my face.

    I just ask God to ease the pain.

  4. Oh so small and sweet.
    I'm sorry. I hope you a feel better soon.
    May God be with you through this..