the one letter.

after Campbell was born, we were in the hospital for 5 days. a lot of that time, i was alone. the nurses were always encouraging me to "rest while i could", my mom was with jackson and jeffrey was with me but also had his finals. so while there were a lot of ins and out of people, the rest of the time i was alone.

on the 6th day of being in the hospital for me (i was there for almost 2 days before she was born for monitoring) i decided that i should be journaling/writing letters to my sweet girl about what i was feeling and how she was doing. i wrote them to remember. and i wrote them so that one day i could look back and feel so grateful and triumphant that she was healthy and big and better.

well, none of that happened. but i did write her a letter. one letter. we left the hospital the next day and the day after that, well, our sweet baby girl went home. to her REAL home.

December 5, 2009

Dear Sweet Campbell,

Today is your 4th day out here in the world. Yay for day 4! Today mommy is really sad because I am very scared to leave you in the hospital and not be here with you. I know the doctors that are taking care of you are really great doctors, but when I am here in the hospital I feel closer to you and I know I can be by your side in 2 minutes if I need to be. When I go home tomorrow and you stay here, I wont be able to do that. I know that you need space to sleep and that when I am with you too much it makes you tired and cranky. I wish you could cry. I wish that your breathing tubes didn’t keep you from crying and that if you were sad or uncomfortable you could tell me and I could make it better for you. Right now your biggest health issues are your tummy and your lungs. Actually you have a lot of health problems but once your tummy and intestines are feeling better and you can have some of my milk, then they can figure out where your infection is and then maybe the fluid in your lungs will go away. Mommy prays everyday that you will get better. I know it will take a while and that everything inside of you is just not ready to be out here in the world but I cant wait for it to be better! Your daddy and I love you so much and when you get to come home with us, it will be one of the happiest days of my life. Nana and Katie are visiting you right now because I try not to visit you when I am really sad. So I am sorry I am not there right now. I love you and promise to come visit and read to you as soon as daddy gets here. I love you Campbell and am so thankful for the wonderful gift from God that you are. My special Joye.


*post-edit- when i wrote this i remember telling jeffrey that it felt like a goodbye letter. a letter full of impossible things. and i know its weird to say, but after reading angies blog and how she had the intuition about her daughter audrey, it doesnt seem quite so weird; i always knew, in the back of my mind that Campbell was sick. and as much as it sickened me, i never felt like she would ever come home. and i know a lot of NICU parents feel that way but i had these feelings before she was born. everyday i wonder if God had given me these feelings and intuitions to prepare my heart. even when we knew she was so small and she had clubfeet and that she would be in the NICU, i felt calm. there was nothing i could do except trust His plan for her- that He would take care of her. and He did. and He chose me, ME, to be her mother and to know her better than anyone on this earth. and for that, i am more thankful than i could ever describe.


  1. thank you for sharing this sweet letter. i'm so thankful i got to touch her little hands and feet and spend time with her. she is such a gift, and one i think of everyday. love you kathleen.

  2. Im weeping with you and for you. What a beautiful letter. Praying for you, as usual :)