i didnt know what today would feel like. would i feel alone? overwhelmed? (extra) sad? ill tell you what i have felt, along with the previous three; anger. a lot of freaking anger.

like, why?
why my sweet, innocent girl?
why do other people have perfectly healthy babies?
why does time have to keep going?
why does it take so long to sink in that she will never ever be here?
why does this suck so super bad? (im allowed to use whatever adjectives i please)
why did this day ever have to come?
why dont i have a hole to crawl in to forever?

i know the stages of grief people. and ive already gone through them all, 8 times. but i didnt know this one would stick around. and that it would grow. because not only does it encompass my sadness and anger, but i seem to absorb others sadness and anger now. why do babies get sick? why do you we have no warning?

its so hard. what is especially hard for me to grasp is that the days between when Campbell was with us to now, will continue to grow. right now its 365. but tomorrow will be 366. and that number will never be less. until, thankfully, it is 0. thankfully.

so thats me today. we celebrated (as much as we could) Campbells birthday in tallahassee last week and the days since have been hanging heavily over us. but now it has officially been one year. and that, thats hard to swallow.

1 comment:

  1. kathleen: i can attest...today is AWFUL...there is nothing worse for us. Yes! we are alone! You and I are ALONE in this depraved world in which we live...we wait for our Savior to take us home to our beloved ones.
    I was and will always be, so MAD at God, my husband and myself that my Clay is not here on earth. At the same time, I know for a fact that Clay was spared this earth. Clay doesn't have to worry about the problems of my world. He (most mercifilly, gracefully, thankfully...gets to enjoy OUR savior firsthand without dealing with the bullshit we deal with on this earth...while waiting for our savior to return..)

    unfortunately.. we mom's never 'recover" per se...we just adjust...we go on...thinking of things that could have been...

    this is a time of ultimate faith Kathleen...I am sure you are not there yet....however, please know that this is a process....you have a kindred spirit in me praying for your strength...one day you will be amazed and look forward to seeing your sweet Campbell face to face..just as I look forward to seeing my Clay...face to face. God Bless You Kathleen. My heart goes out to you at this time. Tracy