not for light hearted.

sometimes i wish that when i watched i movie, i could watch it as just that- a movie. not as an insight in to my soul or as a vision of how others live their lives or as a sign that i should change something about my life. but, i cant. i cant do it. i am the person who sees every film as not only art, but life altering. yes, i know it is just a movie but i cant help but think about the director, the screenwriter the actors- what was their intention? and then i go beyond the actual film and apply the situation to my life.
like tonight, we watched 50/50 and beyond the fact that i loved the entire cast (anna kendrick, joseph gordon levitt and seth rogen, not to mention anjelica huston) it fed my obsession with cancer.
yeah, thats right, i feel like i am constantly thinking about cancer. my uncle has stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. he has been battling this for a little over 4 years. i dont think there has been one time where i have asked my mom how he is and doing and her response has been "he feels great". his two sons, 5 and 4, have no clear memories of their dad before he was sick. everyday i have no clue how he finds the energy to wake up. our bodies were made to be perfectly functioning units that were intricately designed and yet, there is cancer. that awful cell, that tiny little son of a bitch cell that tells the rest of the body lies. lies! it makes our own body turn against us! and then it starts a party! it makes itself a house and has a huge freaking party! the gall.
i also read lil blue boo. she shares her journey through a miscarriage that then turned in to a malignant tumor that led to an emergency hysterectomy that has now led her to 15 straight weeks of chemo. just read her words.
i dont do well with death. it has taken from me. it is inevitable, i know. and though i hate to say it, it is purposeful. it is by design, i know all that shit. i still look at it and i hate it. with every fiber of my soul i hate it. i know this flesh, this earthly body is nothing, nothing compared to heaven. but death scares the shit out of me. seeing it, in movies, in the church body, in friends lives, in my life- sucks. thats not even enough to describe it. the aching, the pounding that resonates through the gaping hole in my chest when i think about death, it cannot be ignored. and so i pray. i cry out. and sometimes im am ashamed to say, i feel nothing. sometimes i feel no comfort, no response, nothing.
unfortunately, there is no happy conclusion paragraph here. there is just me, sharing. i had to get it out. i couldnt write it fast enough. its weird, not that i am old but it feels like the older i do get, i feel death closing in around me. its like that moment that you realize that every family has "issues", you can never undo that moment. i have realized every day is just another day that i am thankful for- i get to take care of my two amazing little boys and i get to love my husband and be with my family- but that i am not guaranteed. no one is.